


the lies we've made

by eryn_laegolas



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen, Movie Spoilers, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 04:53:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5484137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eryn_laegolas/pseuds/eryn_laegolas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Death is inevitable, he knows this. He just never thought it would come to this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the lies we've made

He would be lying if he said he’d never thought of death before. In his long, colorful life as a smuggler-turned-rebel-turned-family-man-turned-estranged-husband, he has had his fair share of near death experiences. It would be impossible to not entertain various scenarios after everything he's seen.

Maybe it will be simple, something so fast that he won't even see it coming. A laser to the heart, maybe? Maybe he gets too careless, too reckless and he goes down in the easiest, least painful way to kick the bucket.

Or maybe it will be the opposite - slow and painful that by the end of it he'll welcome death with open arms. Agonizing torture that will make him pray for it to be over. Terminal disease that leaves him bedridden. Bleeding out on an empty street. Something along those lines.

Maybe it will be a bit of both, something that's quick enough that there's no chance of stopping it, but slow enough for the realization of the impending, inevitable end to sink in. Not enough time to escape it, but perhaps, if he's lucky, enough time to come to terms with it.

He always thought he’d die in battle, in a final blaze of glory. A blaster in hand, Chewie by his side amid the chaos and destruction. Perhaps it’s too romanticized, but he’s spent most of his life in the middle of the battlefield (or, he consents, something of that sort), always ready for action and high on adrenaline. He never thought he’d live to such an old age. In fact, he scoffs at the very idea of a quiet, peaceful death.

But none of these experiences or imagined deaths could have prepared him for this.

There is chaos and there is destruction, yes. Fighting and action and pain and adrenaline. There is a battlefield, there is a war. There are casualties, there are victims, killers, and people left behind.

But there is also Chewie. And Rey. And Finn.

And his son. _My son, my boy._

He hears anguished cries and howls. The devil-may-care part of him, the part that used to say _Yes, your Highnessness_ with a smirk and playful eyes, thinks he might even hear his own heart breaking, if it wasn’t so busy being burnt to a crisp.

Amazing, how even in his last seconds he can’t help but be cynical.

His death happens in slow motion, giving him just enough time to be filled with horror, his blood freezing in his veins from the sheer surprise of it all. Enough time for him to marvel at this unexpected turn and for his head to be filled with dozens of thoughts all at once.

In his final moments, he thinks of a great many things.

He thinks of Luke, thinks of how he never got a proper goodbye, a chance to say _it’s not your fault, I forgive you._

He thinks of Leia and of the years that passed them by, wasted and irreversible, and wishes he could have kissed her one last time, held her and told her _I love you._

But she knows. _She knows._ It is this thought that gives him hope, assures him that everything will be all right. Somehow, someday, they will be okay, and maybe it will be enough.

He thinks of his son. Staring at those eyes, so much like Leia’s, so much like the woman he swore to love until the end and beyond, he tries to find all the words he should have said before and can never say again.

Even after all this time, he can still see his Ben underneath all the darkness and malice of the man (not monster, because Ben isn’t, he’s not, he can’t be) he has become. It’s still his son and he knows this like he knows Leia and her love.

So he tries to tell him this, tries to tell him of forgiveness and faith and hope, tries to tell him _come back, come back to us, I love you, come home._

_Come home, Ben._

Ben’s eyes – not a monster’s, not Kylo Ren’s, but _Ben’s_ – are the last thing he sees.

_Come home._

And he clings to this – fervently, foolishly – until his world falls into blackness.

**Author's Note:**

> My first Star Wars fanfic. Hope you liked it!
> 
> I'm sure something like this has been done before, but here's my take on it.
> 
> To be honest, I'm not sure if Kylo Ren can be redeemed, especially after what he did, but I think Han and Leia can't help but hope that Ben will come back to them. I think Han still had hope, even until the very end, and this just makes his death even more tragic. Thoughts?


End file.
